Breathe

I have to remember to do that. That "this too shall pass". That I wasn't given "a spirit of fear, but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind".

I try to pray without ceasing. Which is sometimes interspersed with cussing. And then praying about the cussing.

I try to let go and let God. To take it one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. And those minutes stretch out and feel like they might break.

Things aren't nearly as hard as they could be. We aren't alone. We aren't where we should be, but we aren't utterly lost.

I've received emails and texts and phone calls from everyone, whether old friend or church ladies or near strangers. I am prayed for, thought about, lifted up.

And, as one such near stranger church lady reminded me -

24The threshing floors will be full of grain, And the vats will overflow with the new wine and oil. 25"Then I will make up to you for the years That the swarming locust has eaten, The creeping locust, the stripping locust and the gnawing locust, My great army which I sent among you. 26"You will have plenty to eat and be satisfied And praise the name of the LORD your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you; Then My people will never be put to shame.…

 

- Joel 2:24-26

 

 

 

 

 

I am surrounded by proof that all things work together, friends who are having babies and having weddings and having the times of their lives. Patience is the key, trusting that it will come, that good things are ahead.

 

They kind of have to be.

Short

Today has been a Nick Jr day for Rex. Kid is at Mom's. I am eating my feelings and packing yarn. 

Things will get better. They have to. 

A little crochet

I spent all day watching a Bring It On marathon and crocheting a viking hat (which I need to attach the horns to so I can take a pic).

The kids spent all day outside. Where it went from almost-but-not-quite-uncomfortably-warm to fall weather in less than 12 hours. With one minor injury, one 60 second fit, and 4-6 neighbor kids. It was kind of great.

I feel a bit better. Applied for a few jobs here. Looked for a few in my target area. I'll be okay if I can catch a break here or there. And I will.

See, this is how I usually am. I'm usually optimistic, unworried about the future, confident that things will work out just as they should. That's why when it hits me, the niggling little doubt, the insecurity, it hits me hard, knocks me breathless.

I've come through a lot, survived a lot, too much to think I'm not important enough to keep alive. I just doubt it sometimes. Possibly part of the leftover ingrained insecurity.

Like I told the sister-in-law the other day, I know I'm awesome, amazing, a great catch, a fantastic friend. But that core of me, that part that I was taught from the moment I was coherent, will always sneak up on me and tell me I'm nothing. I just have to get through those moments, back to normal.

Not Crochet

I think part of the reason why I always drank so much was so that I didn't feel so much.

I made the comment the other day that I don't know how to converse with people, and it got shot down, changes to me not choosing to be able to have normal conversations. The truth is that I don't know that I ever learned. I've just become more aware of how wrong I am.

Lets be honest. My self esteem is shot. I'm living in my little brother's backroom, and he's counting the days til I move on. Don't get him wrong, he's trying to do right by me. We're just not a fit.

In any case, I'm taking up space. Not working. So, no work, no home. And, of course, no car.

I sound like a catch.

I think it's pretty understandable that I feel like I have nothing to discuss with other people. The opposite sex, potential employers, the check out people at the local library.

I'm trying really hard to not sit in this poor pitiful me place. I feel useless, and wrong, and like I am totally and utterly lost.

I'm trying to remember that I'm where I'm supposed to be, that there's a plan and a reason for everything, that everything will work out. I'm trying to keep in the front and center that the important thing is homeschooling the girls, that everything else will just have to work around it. I'm trying to do what's right.

But you know what? The jobs I'm qualified for won't support us once we move on. The government hand outs will only last so much longer. The nanny jobs I'm being offered are all really sketchy. And my room is a mess. And the kids are always fighting. And I'm sad. And I'm lonely. And I'm oh so tired of all of this.

I'll be better tomorrow. Or next week. Or next month. Better will come. I know this. I'm just done with this.